just met up with perd. seriously wanting to give up a lot of stuff. because of tiny failures and setbacks and disatisfied attitude towards school, friends and pastoral... neither here nor there... bu san bu si. urgh.

my major project sucks big time because i know i didnt put in any effort and yet i expect to score. who the heck am i kidding. i thought i could draw. well at least they look like humans to me, until i saw my classmate's illustrations. i thought my photoshop skills were pretty decent until i found out simpler methods to applying different steps. i thought i could speak well until i heard how my classmate presented without any preparation. i thought i could lead well enough to motivate people until i read about moses. i thought i could i thought i can i thought i should be able... the more i reply more on myself the result of falling and hurting myself is even bigger...

behind at the back of my head somewhere it tells me not to give up. somewhere something tells me that i shouldnt base my results on men's reaction or wait for their acknowledgment... sometimes it's bad enough that things dont really work out and get some really sucky and blah criticism from fellow classmates that makes me feel stupidly condemning at times... sometimes i wish i could just get a cleaver and chop my classmate's head. but i cant lah. will be send to jail one...

glorifying god and hoping for acknowledgment from people is a totally different thing. because the former, even if you fail, you find joy in everything that you do. whilst the latter, you become more miserable... whats my golden calf? im set apart from the rest ever since i said yes but i've been wanting to go to the opposite direction because i'm able to see more clearly what my grades for the achievments turn out... will i give up 1 step before the finishing line? or will i continue on...

i want to know more about god's unconditional love.

thinking: attachment...
song: free - hillsong